Sort of
by boredtotearstoday
Summary: Summary: Jensen is ready to settle down, and he has fallen head over heels for Jared. Jared isn't ready to do that, but he has strong feelings for Jensen. Will it be enough? J2 slash


A/N My second J2 slash fic, woot! Okay, so this one along with the previous one, Give Your Heart a Break, is accompanied by some lyrics, just to keep things in perspective. The song used is Sort of by Ingrid Michaelson. They don't work on supernatural, they're just regular guys.

**Summary: Jensen is ready to settle down, and he has fallen head over heels for Jared. Jared isn't ready to do that, but he has strong feelings for Jensen. Will it be enough? J2 slash**

**Disclaimer: Jensen and Jared don't belong to me, sadly. Purely fictitious**

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**Jensen's POV**

"Jared move," were the first words out of my mouth this morning, before I even opened my eyes. I love Jared, with all of my heart, I love cuddling with him too, but the man radiates heat and I can only take so much. His arm was thrown around me, securing me to him. "Jare, you're too hot," I wined, trying to push his arm off of me.

"I know," He said in a smug tone, and pulled me tighter against him. I just laughed, and let him hold me there. "You're pretty hot yourself."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," I laid with him for a while, settling back into my final thoughts before I fell asleep last night.

_Marriage_

_**Baby you've got the sort of hands to rip me apart  
And baby you've got the sort of face to start this old heart  
But your eyes are warning me this early morning  
That my love's too big for you my love**_

I'm going to be thirty soon, and I'm ready to settle down. I'm ready for all that comes with the commitment of being with one person forever, but Jared isn't in the same place. I get it, a few years ago, I wasn't thinking about getting married or anything like that, but now I feel like that's what I need. Sometimes I don't know how Jared feels about our relationship. I just don't feel like he feels as strongly for me as I do for him.

My mind was trying to unravel all of my feelings when Jared interrupted my thoughts. "Jen!" He said loudly, shaking my arm.

"What?" I asked him, wondering why he was yelling.

"Did you hear anything I just said?" He took my blank stare as an answer, and continued, "What has you so out of it?"

I decided against bringing it up, shaking my head, "Nothing," and I smiled up at him when his look questioned my answer.

We laid in bed for about half an hour longer, just relaxing in each other's arms before we needed to get up and start the day.

I took my shower first then went to go make coffee for both of us as he took his shower. I pushed the idea of marriage out of my mind; the last time I brought up the topic, Jared made it clear how he felt.

***Flashback***

We just finished playing some video games that Jared won, hands down.

He was laughing and talking shit, as he usually does when we play video games, but he noticed I wasn't joining in to our usual banter.

"Hey, don't be a sore loser, Jen. How about I let you win, next time?" He joked.

"Oh shut up," I laughed back at him, heading towards the kitchen to get a couple of beers for us.

When I returned, "So, what's wrong?" Jared sighed, leaning back on the couch.

"Nothing is wrong, I was just thinking." I answered, honestly.

"Well, what're you thinking about?" His voice showed interest and a smile played on his lips. He looked like a child who was about to hear a secret.

_**Baby you've got the sort of laugh that waters me  
And makes me grow tall and strong and proud and flattens me**_

"Jay, how do you feel about marriage?" I said casually, and his face turned to stone.

The smile faded from his face and he looked at me with fearful eyes, "Jen…" He trailed off.

_**I find you stunning, but you are running me down  
My love's too big for you my love**_

Finally he found it in him to finish, "Jensen, are you asking me…?" He trailed off once again.

"No, no, I'm not," I replied quickly. "I just," I started to explain my question when the reason for his look of terror registered in my mind. _He wouldn't want to marry me. _ I shook the thought away, and started again. "I was just thinking about the idea of marriage, of where I stood on it, and, you know, since we're together, it's important where you stand on it too." I finished.

_**My love's too big for you my love**_

"Jen, I care about you, a lot. You know that, but marriage is a big step, one that I'm not sure I'm ready to take." He explained.

"I understand, and I'm not proposing, so don't worry." I cut in, my voice thick with irritation.

"And I'm still young, _**we're **_still young; we don't have to think about getting married now." He continued rambling.

"I get it Jared," I said, hoping it would stop him, but I had no such luck.

"Something about the idea of being stuck with the same person for the rest of your life," he shuddered, "just doesn't sit well with me," he blurted out, as though his mouth was working faster than his mind. He stopped speaking and looked at the shocked look on my face.

"You're already in a committed relationship as it is, Jared, in case you forgot. Yes marriage is cementing that, but as long as we're dating, you're _**stuck**_ with one person anyways. What's the difference?" I asked, my voice raising as I went on.

He shook his head, trying to fix what he had said, "Not what I mean, Jen," he began, but I was sick of hearing what he had to say right now.

"No, Jare, I know what you mean, and whatever, okay you're not ready for marriage, 'it's a big step,' but did you have to look like it was the end of the world when you thought I was asking? I mean, I don't know if I'm ready or if that's what I want either, but damn, Jared." I said, still fuming, but not able to put my hurt and anger into words.

He slid closer to me on the couch, putting an arm around me. "Jensen, you threw me with the question, okay? And I know that we're in a committed relationship, and I would never cheat or anything like that. Yes, I'm stuck with you, but I don't mind it." He joked as he held me tighter.

I finally relaxed into him, sighing.

"Are we good?" He asked after a minute.

_**And if I was stronger then I would tell you no  
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show  
And if I was stronger then I would up and go  
But here I am and here we go again**_

"Yeah, we're good."

***End Flashback***

"Jensen!" I heard Jared yell, breaking me out of my daydream.

"Yeah?" I turned to look at him.

He shook his head and sighed. "I'm going to be late for work, but I think we need to talk tonight. Over dinner, maybe?"

"I work late tonight," I said, analyzing the worry in his face.

"I know Jen, and that's fine. Just meet me at my place when you get off. I'll cook." He said quickly, kissing me on the cheek and leaving.

_**Baby you've got the sort of eyes that tell me tales  
That your sort of mouth just will not say, the truth impales  
That you don't need me, but you won't leave me  
My love's too big for you my love**_

The day at work seemed to drag on and on. I work at a bank, and today I had to stay after and finish writing up some papers and filing some paperwork. I thought about going home and showering before heading to Jared's, but it was already nine when I got off, so I decided just to go over to his place.

I let myself in with the spare key he had made for me. "Jare, sorry I got off work later than I had hoped." I called out, walking through the apartment.

"It's cool. I'm in the dining room," He called out as I opened the door to the dining room.

He set the table so it looked fancy, and he even used the light dimmer, making me laugh. "Jared, what is this?"

"Shut up, I thought it would be sweet," He said blushing, still fixing little things around the table.

"It is, it's just not what I expected, I guess." I said, walking up to him and squeezing his hand. "It's really nice though, Jare. Anything I can help with?"

He leaned down slightly, and kissed me quickly. "No, everything's ready. Just sit down, and I'll be right out." He said with a grin and disappeared into the kitchen.

Earlier when he said we needed to talk, I thought it was going to be something bad, but how he's acting is making me change my mind.

_Maybe he realized you've been thinking about marriage again. Maybe he changed his mind. Maybe he'll propose. _

My mind was working overtime, but I suppressed all of the thoughts, knowing I could be getting my hopes up.

He walked out with two plates and an opened bottle of wine. He sat down the plates, one in front of me and one across, then filled our glasses.

"This looks great, Jare," I said, stunned at how romantic he was being.

He just laughed, "Thanks."

We ate in silence for a few minutes, before I couldn't hold back my questions. "Okay, what's going on?" I asked, breaking the silence.

"What do you mean?" His face held genuine confusion.

"What's with all of this? It is very sweet, thank you, but what's the occasion?"

He smiled, understanding my questioning now. "Jen, you've been out of it lately. I have to repeat everything three times, and yell to get your attention. I just thought it would be nice to give you a romantic dinner." His eyes were warm as he reached across the table and brushed my hand.

"That's it?" I blurted out, internally cursing myself.

"Yeah, why else would I,"

He began to speak, but I interrupted him. "What did we need to talk about?" My words were coming out sharper than I intended them to. I couldn't help it that despite my best efforts and against my better knowledge, I allowed myself to get my hopes up that maybe he'd come around on the idea of marrying me.

_**Tell me what to do to take away the you**_

"Oh, I was hoping that you'd tell me what's had you so weird lately." He said, staring at me like a foreign creature.

"I haven't been acting weird," I shot back.

His confusion turned to frustration quickly. "Really? Jensen, I just wanted to do something nice for you, to get you to relax a little bit, and you're yelling at me. I'm sorry, since when was cooking your boyfriend dinner something to start a fight over?" He half yelled.

I was going to yell back, but I stopped myself, because he was right. He was doing this to try and get me to finally talk to him and I have twisted it all up in my head. I calmed myself down, "I'm sorry, Jared. This really is great; I'm just stupid, okay. Forget about it."

"No, no there is no forgetting about this. What's going on Jensen?" His voice was still harsh.

"I already know how you're going to react to this, so let's just drop it, okay." I said, quietly.

"Try me, Jen, because really, I thought I knew how you were going to react to this, but I was dead wrong." He saw my hesitation, and he calmed down a little bit, sighing, "Just tell me what's going on. Why have you been so weird lately?"

"I've been thinking about marriage again, Jared. I know how you feel, but I can't change how I feel." I said, looking into his eyes, not wanting to end our relationship, but knowing fully well that it might.

"And how do you feel?"

"I'm ready to be married. I'm ready to be devoted to someone, and start a family, and all of that stuff. I want all of that stuff." I said, smiling at the thought of all of this.

"A family? Jensen, you do know that," He started in a condescending tone.

I shot him a look and cut him off, "Adoption, asshole."

He laughed, slightly before realizing how serious the conversation was. "Jensen, I see where you are coming from, but I'm not ready for that. I'm not saying I'll never want that, but it's not on my mind right now. It isn't something I think about regularly." His words stung, but I forced myself to keep on listening. "I don't want to lose you over this, Jen."

"Well, it's kind of a big deal, Jared." I said, and both of us were finally calm, allowing the room to be silent while we thought this over.

"Do you love me, Jensen?" He asked, breaking the silence.

My jaw dropped slightly, "Of course I do, I wouldn't be having this conversation with you if I didn't."

"Okay, good. Well, I need time to actually think about this. It is a big deal, and I don't know where I stand. I need you to be okay with giving me time, and also knowing that I may not want the same thing you do." He explained, his eyes warm and his voice soft. "Can you give me that, Jensen? I promise I will think about it and tell you how I feel, but be prepared for anything."

The way he said all of this made me understand that he most likely doesn't want any of this, and I am going to have to choose, either have him in my life, or find someone else who wants the same things I do.

Thoughts were running a mile a minute through my head, so all I could do in response to Jared was nod.

He got us and walked behind my chair, putting his arms around me. His lips at the side of my face, "Are we okay, Jen?"

_**And if I was stronger then I would tell you no.  
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show  
And if I was stronger then I would up and go  
But here I am and here we go again**_

"Yeah, we are, Jare."

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**So, Review! Please. (:  
****Tell me how I'm doing. Give me ideas for something to write about. **


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